


You've Got A Hold On Me

by cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 03:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2798054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus/pseuds/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah is forced to confront her feelings for Cosima when she runs into her at Felix's loft after a night of drowning her sorrows in alcohol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Got A Hold On Me

Sarah stumbled into the loft, her face wet from a mixture of rain and tears, her vision blurred from one too many bourbons. She held herself up against the wall, eyes closed, her energy focused on bottling up the past twenty-four hours, hoping that she could push them down far enough to forget them. Her legs began to give out, her back sliding down the wall, and as she came to a stop on the floor she put her head in her hands, defeated.

There was a cough and a rustle from across the room, and Sarah snapped her eyes open, taking a moment to find the source of the noise, her eyes finally focusing in on the glasses and dreadlocks - the source of her pain, the image she had been trying to drown in alcohol all night, was there in front of her, looking nauseatingly adorable.

"Bloody hell, Cos, the fuck are you doing here?" Sarah snapped, her eyes closed again in an attempt to ignore Cosima’s face.

"I was hanging out with Felix and it got late so he let me crash," Cosima said groggily. "He got a call about an hour ago from a client or something, so he told me I could stay, but I totally didn’t know you were staying here too. Sorry I can get out of here." Cosima stood up and began gathering her books from the coffee table and putting them into her bag.

Sarah let out a resigned sigh, and looked up. “No, Cos, don’t be stupid, it’s the middle of the night. Stay.”

Cosima put her bag down and sat halfway back onto the couch before she stopped herself and said, "look, Sarah, about yesterday, I -"

"We don't need to talk about it," Sarah cut Cosima off, a look of disgust and embarrassment on her face. Cosima made to say something again, but Sarah waved her hand to prevent her from talking. "I'm fine, really. I'm gonna take a shower, yeah?"

Sarah struggled to pick herself up off the floor as Cosima gave in and settled back onto the couch. Cosima watched as Sarah trudged into the bathroom, stumbling and cursing a bit before she managed to get the water running, and then closed her eyes, willing sleep to come and save her from their awkwardness.

In the bathroom, Sarah struggled to free herself from her leather pants, hitting her head on the sink more than once as she stumbled around the room, the alcohol hitting her harder than before. When she finally extracted herself from her clothes, she paused for a moment to examine herself in the mirror, but turned away after only a moment, disgusted by herself and unable to face the familiar shadows of Cosima present in her own reflection.

Sarah stepped into the shower and let the water run over her, willing it to wash away her pain and memories. She closed her eyes, letting the heat of the water burn on her skin, distracting her from the memories flooding her vision. She ran her fingers through her tangled hair, pulling forcefully every time scenes from the night before threatened to overtake her. But it was all too much, and as Sarah's defenses finally fell, she sank to the floor, the water pounding on her back as she huddled, succumbing to her pain.

-

It was early evening, and Sarah had Felix's loft to herself, planning on a quiet night with some beer and pizza. She had only been settled on the couch for a moment when there was a knock on the door, followed by Cosima's shout for Felix. Sarah opened the door to find Cosima looking exhausted, tear stains on her cheeks, and she immediately fell into Sarah's shoulder, crying again about Delphine leaving her.

For the better part of an hour Sarah listened as Cosima cried, got angry, told herself she was better off, and cried again. She couldn't offer much advice, but Cosima didn't really seem to need any.

Finally, after pulling herself together for the third time, Cosima took Sarah's hand and smiled. "Thanks for letting me be a total mess, and always being there for me Sarah. I can always count on you."

Sarah nodded, distracted by the warmth in Cosima's eyes, and before she knew what she was doing, she leaned in and kissed Cosima.

For a moment Cosima was taken aback, and she let her lips respond. Sarah pulled her head closer, her fingers entwined in Cosima's dreads as she felt Cosima's warmth on her tongue. But then Cosima snapped back to reality, and pushed Sarah away.

"Sarah, I can't," Cosima said, but Sarah already knew. She knew Cosima still loved Delphine, knew she only saw Sarah as her sister, knew these feelings would never be reciprocated.

-

"Sarah, are you okay?"

Sarah opened her eyes and found herself back in the shower, Cosima's "I can't" echoing dully in her head.

"Sarah?"

Sarah went to respond when she realized that she was crying, and instead let out a sob and pounded her fist on the side of the tub. She didn't even notice the water shut off, or feel the towel thrown over her shoulder. She barely registered Cosima helping her out of the shower or into a pair of sweats. Somewhere along the way to the bed the tears stopped flowing, and the warmth began to creep back into her skin as Cosima lay down next to her and wrapped her in her arms. 

"Cosima," Sarah whispered, but she couldn't find the words she was looking for. How could she articulate that laying in bed with her right now was all she wanted, and yet it was also tearing her apart? How could she bring herself to tell Cosima that just looking at her caused her more pain than she thought she could bear? So she lay there, her head buried in Cosima's shoulder, taking in her scent, her warmth, her everything.

"It's okay, Sarah, I'm not going anywhere," Cosima said after a minute of silence, running her fingers lightly through Sarah's hair. "I'll always be here for you, nothing will ever change that."

A single tear ran down Sarah's cheek as Cosima's arm squeezed her a little tighter. They stayed that way for hours, Cosima's breathing becoming deeper and slower, Sarah slowly sobering up, the sound of birds chirping growing steadily louder.

Finally, as the light from the sun began to creep into the loft, Sarah looked up at Cosima, watching as her eyes fluttered full of dreams, and she whispered, "I love you," before tucking herself back into Cosima's shoulder and finally drifting off to sleep.


End file.
